I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
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I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.