[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
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I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
My background check bounced.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
“I’m helping” 😅
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
When I can’t barge, I careen.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.