Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
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Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god