You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
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My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
I have many caverns
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.