Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
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When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
*cough*
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward