Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
the red hot silly peppers
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”