I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
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Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
I want this so bad
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂