On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
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HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.