“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
You Might Also Like
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
According to math, I’m broke
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
A little too much information.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
💯😂
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.