If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
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Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
A dead goose is called a ghoost
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
True?