It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
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ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*