Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
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date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
I’d … I’d rather not.
Somebody’s lying.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me