The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
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Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?