king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
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When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.