just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
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Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup