While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
You Might Also Like
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.