I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
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me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster