Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
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8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”