Wasn’t this a cartoon.
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The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.