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9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son