Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
You Might Also Like
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.