BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
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Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.