first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
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[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
#MeanwhileInCanada
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
FINE, I WON’T.