Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
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Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.