Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
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Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.