My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
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in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.