The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
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Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”