My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
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If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Tier 3 meme
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone