coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
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You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.