*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
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A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
catch me on valentine’s day like
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.