I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
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I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.