I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
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If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Life hack
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’