Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
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It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.