the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
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FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Brilliant!
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT