babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
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Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.