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me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
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“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck