[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
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interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Happy Taco Tuesday
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate