There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
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HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
It’s actually Dr. whatever
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
me
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
How did people charge their phones before electricity?