Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
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Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!