The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
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I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.