[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
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me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.