All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
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what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
And then there were 4
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
we’re dead?
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.