If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
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If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found