NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
You Might Also Like
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite