Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
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TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
I have questions??