Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
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if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*