Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
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Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Phones down.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.