She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
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80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
everyone’s a critic
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
so, is there a mister shapen head
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??