A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
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GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.