okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
You Might Also Like
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
That de-escalated quickly
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Pandas 🐼🖤
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid